How To Say No?

It was among those first words you learned to say and you used it at every chance. Until someone convinced you that you could not, or should not. Others do not like to hear you say no. Parents/teachers/friends/employers/significant other people and even strangers will do anything they think it takes to get one to do what they want you to do rather than what you need to do.

Why should you?

So they will be happy rather than you? They get to live their life, should not you get to decide how to live yours? And they will keep sounding convincing so long as you let them! Okay, maybe they have convinced you that what they want you to do is for your own good. That’s not the point. If you are at least 18, you are old enough to choose what you need to do and what you do not. Will you make mistakes? Of course. Everybody does. That’s part of life.

So how do you say “no” without feeling guilty? If they want you to enter a career you do not need to enter, marry someone you do not like, have kids or not, find a close friend, a college counselor or a therapist that will assist you realize it is your choice rather than theirs. If they complain that you don’t visit often enough, do everything you can and look for ways to let them know you are thinking about them between visits.

Did you know?

Bosses have a reputation for asking their workers to do things they do not need to do. They’re likely paying you do to a few of those items but the tendency is to have fewer workers and work them harder and they will keep pushing till you (kindly but firmly) tell them you have reached your limit. If it doesn’t appear appropriate to say no when you are asked to take on one more job, inform the asker you will see how you can match that in.

Then create a list of your current projects, tasks involved and deadlines, and ask which of those tasks you need to set aside till you finish the new undertaking. If your boss can not or won’t honor your limits you probably ought to say “no” by finding another job. Spouses, friends and kids all (rightly) believe they have particular claim to your own time and attention and so the secret is to get very clear about what you can and can’t do.

Take into account

On the one hand, you do not need to say”no” to every request. On the other hand, you can not say yes to all of them since it is important that if you do say yes, you send. If you are unsure whether you can say yes, then buy yourself some time. If you can not decide on the place, say that. Say you will need time to consider it and let them know when they can expect a response. Begin to notice how your body feels when somebody asks you to do something. If it tightens up only hearing the petition, it is trying to tell you something.

Chances are extremely good that if you go ahead and say yes you will regret it, your body will make a lot of unhappy chemistry that’s damaging to your immune system and that chemistry will be present while you are doing what you did not need to do. I understand how important it is to say no since I learned the hard way. Before Oprah named it, I had it the disease to please. The only person I had been really good at saying no to was myself. Then I was diagnosed with breast cancer. When the surgeon said she had not gotten clean margins and she had to perform a mastectomy, radiation and chemotherapy, I noticed how my body felt and after much study and introspection, I said no. I went to a naturopath instead. You don’t need to get breast cancer (other stroke, cancer, heart attack, etc.) to learn what I heard. Practice saying”no” when you mean it and live your life.